I’m very weepy today. I started my session with my EMDR counselor today celebrating the insight that I had while writing the piece about truth. Then he asked what we needed to work on today, and things got real hard real fast.

I had two major issues I wanted to deal with – my anger and resentment that remains towards my Dad with the intended purpose of coming to a point of forgiveness that I can express to him; and my anger and resentment that remain towards my first husband.

I didn’t even bring up the second issue before I dissolved into tears. I have come to realize after two heavy-duty EMDR sessions that bitter tears come with the process. As we got into the issue with Dad, it wasn’t too long before it was tied into the issue with my ex-husband, even though the therapist I was working with had no indication I also wanted to work on it. It became very clear that the two are linked together.

I just started to say that my dad wasn’t in any way responsible for the abuse my ex-husband did to me, but the fact is, my dad’s responses to the abusive relationships I was involved in during my teen years played a part in how I responded to my ex-husband’s abuse. Also, when I fled an abusive episode a few months after I was married and ran to my dad, his response to that was to send me back to my ex-husband to submit to his authority. My ex was smart. He knew I would run to my dad, and when I returned he knew my dad had sent me back. I have to honestly say that I think if my dad’s response had been different, my ex’s response would have been different.

I have to say a few things to clarify those statements. First of all, my husband is 100% responsible for his actions towards me. My dad didn’t put an end to it; and I chose to live with it – both playing an influential part in the duration and intensity of the abuse. However, no one shares the blame for the strategic abuse perpetrated against me by my husband with him – he is fully responsible.

Secondly, I understand why my dad sent me back. Dad and I attended a conference entitled Basic Youth Conflict by Bill Gothard when I was a teenager, and one of the basic beliefs taught in that seminar was that one of the purposes of marriage is the spiritual protection of the wife – like an umbrella protects from rain, and if the wife steps out from under her husband’s authority for any reason including spousal abuse, she subjects herself to spiritual attack and stands in opposition to God’s efforts to work effectively in her husband’s life. I totally get how off the mark this belief/teaching is, but at the time it was the reason my dad sent me back and I obeyed. My ex and I attended another session of this seminar before we were married (this was strongly encouraged by my father) so he knew before we were married that if he could prevent me from knowing about his explosive temper until after the wedding, my belief system would prevent me from leaving and my father’s belief system would not counter that. In fact, my ex said as much to me soon after we were married.

I could write reams about my ex’s abuse. It was strategic, manipulative, and severe to the point of both medical and psychiatric hospitalizations. But EMDR is about my emotional responses to the abuse, the beliefs about myself and my world and God that were impacted by the abuse, and giving vent to the emotions generated by the abuse. Technically, my therapist explained it this way: The abuse (or other traumatic experiences) create a circuit of negative thoughts and emotions stored in the right hemisphere of the brain that block out the influence of other facts or information. EMDR develops a bridge between the two hemispheres and breaks into those circuits so that healing can take place. The emotions and thoughts resulting from the abuse had a purpose, but my belief system prevented me from acknowledging their validity or listening to them, and so they are stuck in this circuit. Once they are given full validity and voice, they have served their purpose and given an avenue out of the circuit. They will dissipate or dissolve – move on through and go away. However, I am finding that these feelings have been suppressed for a long time and their purpose cannot be dissolved in a 1 1/2 hour session. I am still feeling their intensity. I have an extra session scheduled with my therapist next Tues. to help deal with these emotions that are so freshly stirred up.

EMDR is typically highly effective for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and processing grief following a traumatic event. Over the years that I have been doing it, I have found it to be very effective therapy for Dissociative Disorders, too. Often during a session I am very upset because I am in touch with the grief and pain an event has caused, but frequently I feel much better by the time I leave. Sometimes I remain upset. Other times I have had nightmares following EMDR sessions for a few nights. Sometimes it takes days or even a couple weeks before there is a breakthrough. The insight about the deliverances came two days after an EMDR session that was focused on the deliverances. Over all it has a very good track record (all personal history of this therapy is being given to me, Plex, by others of my people).

All of this to say I don’t know what the next few days will be like, but I am confident that the eventual outcome will be very good.