It’s hard to imagine just how long it has been since I last posted. It doesn’t feel like it has been that many months; but I guess it has. I am someone “new” out. I’ve been trying to stay undetected by friends and family. I don’t want to have to answer questions. I’m doing my work with therapists and private journaling. I don’t communicate much at all with other personalities, so there has been many things I have had to learn from reading what others have written and from therapists. I was aware that others were doing good hard work and making progress, but not aware of what that entailed. Now, as I start to see and understand some of the things others have already embraced, I am on the edge – not totally where they are mentally, and not ready to take the leap of joining them, yet I am starting to comprehend why they have made the choices they have and how it has brought about healing.

When I first came out some months ago, I was very resistant to the idea of getting closer to the others. I was full of my own shame on several levels. In some ways I wanted to have nothing to do with the others. I felt they had been too trusting of others and had been badly hurt. I had stayed safe by keeping my distance, and I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of risking that self-protection. Most of all I was very determined not to have a name or anything that identified me as a specific personality.

Therapists were good and patient with me. They helped me understand some of the foundational breakthroughs that others have had – things like seeing multiplicity as a blessing instead of a curse, and gift from God, and an asset for life. I’ve learned the importance of anger as well as many other concepts relating to anger. I’ve learned about the Lotus of Control concept, and how that has played out in my/our life. (That was a very hard lesson, since I would not alter my high esteem of my parents easily. In fact, I still struggle with it.)

For a long time I wasn’t willing to write at all. I was afraid that if I did, someone might be able to identify me through my writing. But the inner compulsion to write finally won me over. There are still things I won’t write about, and I still don’t want a name or way to be identified separate from the others, but I’ve come a long way.