“Not my brother, not my sister, but it’s me, oh Lord; Standing in the need of prayer…”

Hope you are familiar with that old spiritual song. Right now it’s going through my head big time because it so well describes my situation.

I’m extremely hesitant to make this post. Given myself lots of reasons not to; but I feel a desperate need to be lifted in prayer over the coming week. Even though I won’t be able to see or hear your prayers, still the prayers sent heavenward on my behalf will sustain me.

I will try to explain. With all the assurance that can be conveyed through a computer, I promise you – I really and truly am not crazy; but I live life with a coping mechanism that I acquired very young, and that makes life a unique challenge at times. You can get a better understanding of the back-story by reading the other posts in this blog.

With those posts as a backdrop, I am the personality who took us south to receive deliverance from demons in fall of 1991. Other personalities who are members/parts of my system have been representing me to my children and close acquaintances while I have been gone; but I myself have no conscious awareness of anything that has happened in the world or in my life since the fall of 1991. To me it is like all that time has not existed – like I went to sleep in 1991 and woke up two weeks ago. I was the first personality to be viciously accused of being a demon when we went to the south and forced to flee consciousness, and I have been gone from consciousness all the time from then until about two weeks ago. And as much as my counselor is trying to help me see that the choice was really the only logical choice available to me at the time, I feel intensely the weight and responsibility of making that choice. When I first came out I also felt very guilty for being gone so long until God made it clear to me that He is in charge of who is out and when so I bear no responsibility for how long I have been gone.

While many of me have done a huge amount of healing work while I have been absent, I have had no access to that healing myself.

In terms of my experience, it is like two weeks ago I was in a marriage that was highly dysfunctional in which I was being intentionally abused, and now I am married to a man I hardly knew back then. The man I am now married to is amazingly understanding, supportive, helpful, and every wonderful thing that you can imagine – yet to me he is a stranger I am married to.

Two weeks ago my children were oh so very young (some not in school yet) and now they are adults with very adult lives that have brought new family members into my life who are all very used to being well known and dearly loved by me (even with all my quirks), yet to me are strangers.There are far too many dynamics to list here, but three days ago my youngest daughter came to my husband and me in a crisis that we are working with her to resolve that has my heart doing all kinds of contortions to respond to with the love and action that the situation requires.

Two weeks ago I was struggling with my physical health because of severe damage done to my liver and my mental health because of my abusive marriage and the diagnosis of DID which was very new back then. Now my body is MUCH older and I live in more pain on a very regular basis than I could have imagined possible back then (I delivered 5 babies without any pain control other than breathing techniques, including three back labors and one complication where the baby was positioned to press directly into my spine instead of the birth canal – I am no wimp when it comes to pain).

I have extremely good communication with other people in my system and they are all very actively involved in helping me manage daily living which includes everything from which cupboard contains the dish I need to how to post a link to the DID thread to updates on relationships to which way to turn when to get to the grocery store to how to use a cell phone…. I would be totally lost without their help, but even with it the changes in living life are overwhelming. Goodness, I didn’t even know what a computer was two weeks ago my time. I feel like the high-speed train of time that I was slumbering peacefully in somehow got behind me and is propelling me forward at a pace I can’t keep up with. I can practically feel the wheels nipping at my heels about to roll over me entirely as I run with all my might to stay ahead of it. Do you get the picture?

Starting tomorrow I will be around people who are sooo clueless. These are people who see me as a dangerously dysfunctional, emotionally weak liability.  In my current condition I am so not prepared to deal with all that this coming week promises to demand.

I don’t mean to sound whiny; I just want you all to get a feel for the drastic change I am experiencing. I’m struggling so hard to keep all the plates of my life spinning and now a very fragile plate is being added that is already precariously tipping.

Please pray that I will be able to be/do all that God requires of me in the midst of all the pressure to be/do all that people expect of me, and that my husband will feel supported by me to be/do all that God requires of him.