written by Plex

We think of perpetrators as people who have a strong dislike for their victims. At a minimum you would think they didn’t care about them. However, that isn’t necessarily true. All too often a perpetrator is a close relative who has strong feelings of love and attachment for their victims. Sometimes they were the victim of a close relative perpetrator against them when they were young, and the meaning of what people who love each other do to each other gets very mixed up in their brains. Even if this type of victim doesn’t grow up to be a perpetrator themselves, they still have very mixed up understandings of what healthy love looks like, and frequently get involved in relationships as adults that are abusive.

That was true of our first marriage, and in fact was true of an early dating relationship as well. We guarded our children against becoming victims- even our own journey out of abusive relationships was largely motivated by our driving desire for our children to learn to have healthy relationships. Straightening out that mixed-up thinking was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I see God’s hand guiding through the whole process, and I am extremely thankful for it.

I often wondered if my brother loved me or hated me as we were growing up. I’ve even asked him that question, and he is emphatic that he always loved me, yet in my deepest soul I question it – it just doesn’t make any sense. How can you so severely injure someone you love, especially repeatedly and intentionally? I’ve come to understand in my head that it is truly possible, and even happens with frequency in some cultures; but my heart resists the idea.