What a modge-podge of complex combobuation!!
A friend came to comfort me today, and she pointed out that it really has been months of compiling circumstances that have brought me into the depths of depression I currently am in. Starting with a couple really major operations on my teeth, frequent migraines caused by extra pain that those surgeries caused, poor nutrition and complicated eating struggles that keyed into many decades of eating disorders I have only gained victory over in resent years.
Added to that I took a number of my pieces of art work to show to my therapist. It was the very first time I , Abigail, have been permitted to view those pieces myself – always before other personalities have been very quick to come out so that I never had the opportunity to see them myself. That may seem strange to you – why would there be such a high priority placed on protecting me from viewing that work? But if you stop to realize that some of those pieces are very explicit views of childhood sexual assault, among other things. I am the birth personality, so the things portrayed in those immages present an extreme paradox of reality. Do I accept those images as expressions of things done to me or witnessed by me – as actual historical fact? Do I deny them as fabrications and in doing so deny the exsistance of my other personalities?
People, I know I am stumbling over keys and misspelling words like crazy in this post; but the implications are just too huge to bother with such trivial matters. If those images represent real occurrances, they stand in sark defiance to life as I have known it; If they don’t, then where did they come from? Isaw no movies or images on TV that could account for them. It was an amazing act of trust on the part of my alters to permit me to view these images. I’m not all sure what/why/ this was the chosen time to permit my viewing; but I bilieve it strongly ties into the confrontation I had planned for my younger sister. Confrontation is probably too strong of a word. It seemed to me to be necessary to approach my sister to receive the freedom I felt I needed to move forward with writing the book. Now it seems quite evident to me that I will never have the freedom to heal that broken relationship or resolve the years that have pierced my aching side for many years now. I don’t know how to move forward with writing the book without it so it seems to me that the door to my life mission has been slammed in my face and locked. The agony is all too much to bare.
Added to that, I felt the depression coming on stronger about 2 months ago and thought it might be worth while to start on a new antidepressant to get me through this rough time. Unfortunately, my body reacted opposite to the ussual response to this antidepressant, so it was intensifying instead of getting better. My dotor whom I have grown to trust explicitely really majorly let me down in the way he dealt with (or better, refused to deal with) my bodies reaction and wouldn’t even talk with me about it. I have felt terribly abandoned (one of my core issues from earlies childhood) and have resorted to very destructive thinking and self-harm, even to the point of engraving my suicide note into my flesh. As I sit here and write this I have preparations made and plans made to carry out my own suicide. I don’t want to do it. I’m just feeling like I’ve been left with no other option.
Please pray for me. It’s all I can ask.
