I had my counseling session with my Christian counselor today. We discussed one relationship in particular that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. The focus was the paradox of this and other relationships. I asked her how to reconcile the paradox – how can I make the extreme opposites make sense; and how do I live with these relationships. Her answer was simple – you grieve.

She explained that when I was a child I needed those relationships to be secure and safe; and the way I made them safe without loosing my sanity was to dissociate. Now that I’m an adult and dealing with the DID, I need to grieve the loss of what I didn’t really have.

My spirit rebels against that notion. I want to scream out the facts I know about how loving and honorable my parents & family were. I could take many pages and write out about the many good things they did for others without ever seeking praise or recognition for themselves. I’m not fabricating or making those things up; yet I cannot deny the times when members of my family were bitterly cruel to me, and not me alone. The grief pierces my soul to the very depths of my being. Part of me screams for justice; and part of me wails in the face of reality. It seems irreconcilable.

I’m not really making sense right now, so I’ll close.