It’s early morning hours and I am finally finding myself able to focus on…me. I’ve been dodging it now for days, not wanting to get back into the mode of healing again. It hurts so hard. I kept it under control while in session with Lori when I saw her a few weeks ago – at least I think it was that long ago. Now I am coming up on another session and realizing I have really squandered the time and opportunities, avoiding getting back into that space I need to be in. I feel like Dr. Do Little’s push-me-pull-you: drawing near to the healing I need to do and fleeing from it at the same time. I left Lori’s office feeling determined to do the work. Every time I approached the computer I detoured to playing games. Then I just avoided the computer all together. Now, finally, here I am…and, yup, it still hurts.
Tonight, when I finally got focused on picking up the pieces and moving forward, I stumbled upon an unfinished journal entry that I wrote the last time I was out. It was years ago chronologically, but for me it catapulted me right back to where I was back then. I couldn’t face what I needed to do toward healing at the time, so others have again done their healing work and once again I am remaining so very, very broken. I wonder what it will take to give me the courage to face what I have to face, do what I have to do, so life can move forward.
When I started typing this it was supposed to be a brief introduction to the journal entry with the intention of pasting it in to this post. It has turned into a full post of it’s own; so I guess I will just post this much for tonight and leave the rest for another day when I am brave enough to finish it.