I’ve been prayerfully contemplating how to go about sharing the next part of my “story” (the next part of my life I want to share following Abigail’s out-coming a few decades ago). Quite honestly, it’s part of my history that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, and I have little hope that it ever will. It was a time of extreme conflict between my sister and I; and it’s something that she is resolutely determined not to revisit with me, so I have little hope of ever knowing her side of the story. If I just tell my side of the story, it reflects very poorly on her. I feel confident that her side sounds very different than mine; yet no matter how I look at it, I come up with either compromising my commitment to integrity and imposing my own assumptions about my sister’s version without substantiating any of it, or making her out to be far less caring than she really is.

My sister and I have moved on as best we could without any communication about the conflict – something her nature seems to better equip her to do than mine equips me to do. I really long for it to all have no more impact on our relationship – something she seems to have successfully accomplished; but it ever escapes my grasp.

There are times it seems too much like unforgiveness that stands in the way on my part; but I have painstakingly endeavored to harbor no unforgiveness. I suspect it has more to do with a wound that just won’t heal without some level of understanding from my sister (as apposed to my aching heart’s rational of my sister’s intentions and actions).

There was a time when my sister held a powerful leverage over me if I should dare breach the taboo subject with her, but that leverage no longer applies. Still, I cannot bring myself to bring up the past for fear that it will jeopardize  the relationship we have managed to rebuild over the years. I desperately desire a relationship with her that is free of the pains of the past, but unless she chooses to broach the subject with me, I see no way. The bottom line in terms of our relationship is that I have determined to settle for whatever level of intimacy we can build upon the rubble of our past rather than risk the loss of what we have. However, in the writing of my story, I am again confronted with what to share and how to share it. I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to my dilemma.

Maybe you can relate to either my sister or myself. Maybe there is a relationship you deeply desire to be more intimate and trustworthy than it is or seemingly can ever be. If so, maybe you can hear my heart or even give me counsel. I would be open to it.