It has been struggle the past week or so while I have been out. That is very long time for me, and I did pop in and out a bit to check up and help a bit with internal nursery. It seems to me one major reason I have been out is to write this post, though as I start I am not quite certain what it will be about.

In recent times we have been struggling with desire/need to present story as honestly and objectively as possible without pointing fingers or blaming others. For many of us there is tendency to minimize injuries done to us by loved ones.

This is less true of me, partly because I tend to little ones mostly every day who are deeply wounded. EMDR has made it possible to bring healing to these little ones, for which we are amazed and extremely thankful to therapist and to the Lord for orchestrating this perfectly planned and implemented healing journey.

There are two prompters for this struggle. One is that oldest brother has been communicating with us and reaching out to us in ways never before. Many of younger ones still look up to and dearly want to please oldest brother.

For all the years since we started therapy/healing journey there has been underlying conflict between oldest brother and us. When we first confront him about abuse during childhood years, he say yes, that what he did was abominable and sinful; and then he ask to be forgiven. It was his expectation (one taught to us all growing up years by parents) that we would say forgiven and all would be forgotten, never to be spoken of again. Part of forgiven was expectation that there would no longer be any consequence – no need for healing. In my brother’s mind, the only reason we have need for any therapy at all is our own refusal to fully forgive. He does not see or understand that severe wounds do not disappear just because there is sincere desire to fully forgive. He very much does not understand that each individual personality must go through their own process of forgiving and healing – two separate things for each one of us.

In early years of therapy many of us felt very guilty that we could not do as oldest brother desired. We wanted very much to just be ok, and at times some of us really tried very hard to make it true; but reality is God did not choose to heal us in that fashion. Instead He chose to heal very slowly and systematically, with seasons of less struggle and seasons of extreme struggle. I believe one reason He chose to do it this way was for oldest brother to have to live with reality of severity of harm done by him.

Truth is that when person is thrown in front of speeding car there is extreme need for medical assistance, life support, and healing time – even if person is very sorry for causing injury. Need for these things does not go away easily or instantly even if injured person forgives completely. And if it was a bus load of people who were injured by the act, every injured person on bus must go through own separate journey of healing as well as forgiving.

This is truth we dearly wish brother understood, that has taken us years to fully accept. Now that he is communicating with us, it is pressing on our hearts to bring up to him; but each time we have attempted to discuss healing journey with him it has caused frustration and grief for both of us, and very little or no healing at all.

Because of length of this post already, I will post the second reason for current struggles in a separate post tomorrow.