The insight I had while writing the post about truth has had an extremely significant impact on my healing journey and the path I am on.

For a while after I wrote the post about truth, I really didn’t give the whole issue much attention or thought. It was just such a humongous consideration with heavy implications and I was already maxed out with being so stressed and focused (by necessity) on the numerous challenges I faced just living moment to moment in this time/space without the benefit of having built knowledge, awareness, and experiences over the years of time I was in – the time between when we went to the south for the deliverances and a few weeks ago when I came back out for the first time since then. [ok, so that sentence was a wild rollercoaster ride but hopefully you all were able to stay with me through it.] The point it that I couldn’t mentally cope with or handle dealing with the new insight into the trip south while I was still operating on a crisis mode level with just adapting to life here and now. I talked about it in counseling, and that helped to eventually make it a more manageable thing to contemplate and analyze during non-counseling time; but for a while I pretty much had to block it from mental processing until the daily living challenges were less stressful for me.

So, now I can discuss it on the blog and share with you all some of the thoughts it has stimulated.

In my childhood and again in my first marriage, a pattern of abuse developed where I was encouraged to trust someone (they would entice me with kind or inviting words) and at the point I came physically close enough or made myself vulnerable, BAMB! I was hit hard where it really hurt worst. Then the assault was followed by jeering and taunting that I was so gullible. My wounds were a joke – a source of entertainment; and the people doing this were family members, friends, a boyfriend, my first husband.

In dawned on me while processing the new insight into the deliverances that one reason it had such a devastating effect on me was that for the first time, it seemed to me that God – My refuge, had done the very same thing to me that my loved ones had done so many times before. If felt like God had waited until I was at my most vulnerable point and then clobbered me. When I realized what I was writing and the implications of it, I realized that instead of the experience with the deliverances being similar to the abuse pattern, it was more like a child who needs surgery. The child cannot understand why the parent they trust to take care of them is forcing them to stay in a hospital and be poked and prodded by strangers. When the surgery is over they feel far worse than when they came to the hospital. Then there is the hard and painful work of rehabilitation that follows. The child may feel very betrayed by their parent, yet in reality the parent did the most loving thing – the necessary thing for their wellbeing and their survival.