It has come to my attention lately that there is a need to differentiate between denial and dissociation. Both are coping mechanisms, and both can be either a dysfunctional coping mechanism or a natural part of life. Neither one is an intentional act, but rather they are an automatic response to traumatic events. The same person can use either coping mechanism to deal with different traumas. However, the differences are significant and important to note.

When a person dissociates an event, it is stored in the subconscious mind, like being put on the back burner. The conscious mind isn’t capable of dealing with the trauma of the event, at least not at that moment. There may be other circumstances that necessitate that the conscious mind over-ride the demands of the trauma temporarily, but the facts are stored accurately.

When a person using denial to cope with traumatic events, they are creating a new alternative reality. The facts are either eliminated or significantly distorted to something that is less traumatic. If the person using denial is confronted with the truth, they don’t recognize it as fact. If someone in close relationship with the person using denial confronts him/her with undeniable evidence of the reality that is being denied, they will likely break off the relationship rather than accept the facts as truth. This is not always the case. People who use denial to cope with trauma can choose to embrace the reality as fact; but it is a very hard and frightening endeavor which can take a very long time.

In our life we deal with both denial and dissociation. We have a very strong commitment to embrace the truth, even when that truth is intensely painful. But we have deeply cherished relationships with people who are entrenched in denial. We have broken free of denial when we came to a realization that we were using denial to cope instead of dissociation, so we know how difficult and challenging that task can be. If not for our strong determination to know the truth and a firm belief that knowing the truth is key to being set free from a dysfunctional life style, we would likely not be capable of making the necessary changes that have been central to our healing journey out of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors. It has been a long, arduous journey with huge hurdles to overcome; but now we are on the other side where we can see and experience some of the benefits of our efforts. It’s hard and painful for us to see loved ones still stuck in denial. We see the harm it does to our loved one’s lives and relationships; but we realize that confronting them with the truth will only cause further pain and alienation for them as well as for us, so we regretfully try to walk the tightrope between denial and reality in order to preserve the relationships.