It’s a hard thing to choose to distance oneself from loved ones. I have finally come to the realization that such action is necessary for me to take, and it aches deep into my soul. My therapists are now saying that I am no longer suffering from depression, but now I am suffering from profound grief. To be totally honest, it doesn’t feel very different either way. I have spent a lifetime dearly loving a close family member,pouring affection and encouragement into to through my thoughts and actions, even when I was all too painfully aware that it wasn’t reciprocated. I think I held onto the belief that even though the behavior of my loved one was antagonistic towards us, somehow deep down there was an abiding love and respect that was simply being overshadowed by misguided choices. I even thought in recent months that perhaps we were getting to a point where we could put the painful past behind us and begin a new chapter in our relationship. I held my heart in my hands as I did a very risky thing – I posed the question to my loved one and waited many weeks for a reply. A couple weeks ago I received my answer making it crystal clear that there is not now nor will there likely ever be a point at which this relationship will be a healthy, cherished treasure for either one of us. The door was slammed in my face and sealed with a kiss.

In the past I would have cried a while and then focused my attention elsewhere – at least on the conscious level. However, the many of me would have continued to suffer, inflicting myselves with self-hatred and self-harm while blaming myselves for not being good enough or for being foolish for asking in the first place. Thankfully those days are over.

Therapy has enabled me to respond differently now. I’m permitting myself to experience the pain of being rejected, while rejecting the negative thoughts and temptations to do self-harm or blame myself. I can feel the anger and anguish and then truly let go of it. Like my EMDR therapist has told me many times, when I let myself experience the honest emotions, even when they are intense; they flow out of me and dissipate instead of being dammed up inside to build in intensity and power. So we will thank God for the blessings of therapy, thank God for the blessings of many good healthy relationships, and grieve the lost hope of having this one relationship.