Earlier tonight I was taking a drive with my youngest son. He will be getting married in less than a week from today, so we are cherishing the time we can spend together before he moves out.

Our conversation turned to my marriage to his dad – a topic I have been focussed on lately while writing for the book I hope to have published some day. I commented that in the days before we were married, I had not been honest with myself about deep heart-ties I still had with a previous boyfriend. I talked some more about how I believed at the time that God was directing my path towards marrying his dad, even though those old ties remained; and the fact that those ties remained present didn’t alter my commitment to do what I believed God was telling me to do. My son asked me an important question – he wanted to know if in hind sight I still believed God was directing me to marry his dad. It was a poignant question, especially in light of my recent writing for the book which has been focussed on years of intense abuse from his dad.

I’m so thankful that I was able to say with integrity and honesty that I do still believe God was directing my path even back then, even though He knew all the while what agony lay in the days ahead directly resulting from the choice to marry my first husband. For years I have struggled with the issue of whether or not I was obeying God or setting my heart for something I believed would bring me happiness no matter what God might have thought about it. It’s an age old question that churned inside of me – How could it have been God’s will for me to be so utterly destroyed in a marriage relationship? So many horrible experiences for every member of the family – how could that have been God’s will – His best for us? Over the years I have thanked God for the blessings of my children who were born to us – children I would not have if I had not married my first husband. In more recent times I have come to the realization that I am a much happier and better wife for my husband now than I ever could have been if I had not first married my previous husband. Yes, the road to where we are was filled with horror and danger for our children and us; yet God has been with us, guiding us and comforting us, giving the encouragement and stamina we needed to learn the hard lessons and grow more intimate with each other and with God.

Yes, I am glad and thankful for my first marriage. I do believe God lead me into that turbulent marriage; and in His time and in His way He lead me out of it. There is peace in my soul where in the past there has been trouble when these questions and thoughts have come up. That is a wonderful blessing indeed.