I write tonight with a very heavy heart. I’m glad the last post focused on the EMDR, since that is what is troubling me so tonight – not EMDR really, but what the EMDR has brought up.

I suppose it’s not surprising or to be unexpected, but it is a very painful place to be.

I want to bring you along, help you get some grasp of what it is like to be a multiple. I suppose this is part of it. I’m moving along, feeling secure in the progress being made, and a significant switch happens and all of a sudden it’s so very hard to see the forest through the trees.

I was aware of a weight that felt like an interference in my ability to function; but I chalked it up as a drain of energy from struggling to catch up to date with the mundane things involved in living “normally” despite a dramatic time gap. I felt the anger stirring under the surface, but I hadn’t really realized the amount of TNT in that keg of dynamite, or what the real source of it was.

Doing the EMDR brought what was brewing under the surface to conscious thought, and I realized a few critical things – the most significant being how extremely angry I am at my ex-husband, and something else I’m not yet ready to put in print.

My Christian counselor (who also does EMDR occasionally with me) helped me to put some perspective to it. My dilemma really centers on the fact that I went from being married to one man who I expected to be married to for the rest of my life to being married to another man who I hardly even knew. For me there was no transition, no opportunity to experience the changes that happened over several years time in real life, no time to grieve the loss of one relationship or gradually develop the thoughts and feelings that lead to and nurtured the new relationship, or to adjust to a major shift in a very core level belief. I need to give myself time for my emotions and thoughts to catch up to my reality.  My extreme rage for the abuse that occurred in my first marriage that made the divorce necessary for survival only complicates things for me. I’m recognizing how much my father’s (and mother’s) responses to me during my adolescent years really set me up to marry an abusive man. They were sincerely trying to nurture what they believed to be a heart of service that would serve me well in adult life, but the impact it had on me was very negative. The fact that my ex-husband was strongly encouraged to attend the same seminar about male/female roles in marriage that my father and I attended played in heavily to my ex-husband’s abuse towards me, and that is another thing that leaves me feeling resentment towards my father.

So, you see, I’m very muddled in a big muck of confusing rage swimming in a huge time-gap complicated with an enormous span between my core level beliefs and my living reality. Yeah, that pretty well sums it up. It really doesn’t feel good at all!