I just want to start by tying up some loose ends from the last post. Much of the reason the move was so extremely painful to me was the connection in my mind between my dad’s promise that he would never move away and forget me or leave me behind and my parent’s choice to move and leave the foster girls behind, especially the first girl who had no other family than us. I don’t understand why I never blamed my parents for the choice to move away, but always blamed myself, even though I had no part in the decision at all and would not have made the same choice if I were given any say in the matter. I guess I found it more difficult or emotionally painful to hold my parents accountable than it was to own their decisions as my own.

Whatever the reason, I hated myself bitterly for abandoning those girls – something I was terrified would happen to me. I felt I was not worthy of the air I breathed. It was the era when air pollution was becoming a major concern, and I believed I was consuming a limited commodity that some baby could use who was far more worthy of it than I was.

The situation I described in school after the move only compounded my confusion and furthered my determination to end my own life. When I failed in my attempt, I was ashamed that I couldn’t even do that right. I didn’t tell anyone, and made a second attempt later that year. When that failed I concluded I was incapable and inadequate in everything I tried to do.

I need to back step a bit  to add in an important event that occurred when I was nine years old and before the move. An evangelist came to our church and did a series of revival meetings. During one of those meetings I went forward to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. (To be perfectly clear, it was Abigail who went forward that first time.) Even though that didn’t immediately resolve all my deep emotional pain or prevent the attempts to end my life, I do believe the fact that she had done that played a significant role in preserving my life. God had a plan for my life that He wouldn’t let me thwart in my agony and confusion. He cared deeply, even though I couldn’t sense it or know it at the time.