King David-A Man After God’s Own Heart

Posted on July 17, 2013 by

Have you ever wondered what it was about King David that causes Scripture to say he was dear to God’s heart? He certainly didn’t merit it by strict obedience to God’s laws. A person doesn’t have to be a Bible scholar to be aware of how David had an affair with the wife of one of David’s most loyal men in his military and then had her husband murdered when she became pregnant with David’s child. A less known story about David in 2 Samuel 13:1-39. Whenever I read or think of this story I can’t help but grieve for the woman, Tamar. I wonder if the story would have been very different if only David had been a good father to his children, defended Tamar instead of fueling the flames of hatred which burned in the heart of her brother by David’s own refusal to deal with the matter with justice.

So if it was not David’s obedience to God’s laws that earned him a place in God’s heart, then what did? I believe at least part of the answer is found throughout the Psalms in which David pours out his heart to God. The Psalms are full of examples of David expressing exactly what was on his heart, whether that be exuberant praise, anger over injustice, appeals for mercy and/or protection, or confession of sin.

Recently I have been struggling with feelings of anger and hurt. During our growing up years we were taught that anger was sinful unless it was over the improper use of God’s house (the church). Instant forgiveness was mandatory no matter what the offense was or how frequently it occurred. It has taken years of therapy to get those wrong beliefs erased from my thinking. It is hard to trust God as a father who will defend and protect me, and who allows me to express my genuine feelings to Him. Even now I grapple with trusting God instead of defending myself. You can be sure it will be a focus of my therapy time coming up in a couple days.

1. 2 Chronicles 6:42
O Lord God, turn not away the face of [me] Your anointed one; [earnestly] remember Your good deeds, mercy, and steadfast love for David Your servant.
2. Psalm 51:1
[ Psalm 51 ] [ To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David; when Nathan the prophet came to him after he had sinned with Bathsheba. ] Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.

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God’s Discipline

Posted on July 1, 2013 by

I’m actually referencing the devotions from yesterday’s date (from Daily Light Journal by Anne Graham Lotz 1999) The devotional is a good combination of Scriptures referring to God’s discipline (Hebrews 12:5-6) and God’s mercy (Psalms 103: 10-14)

People have a tendency to either see God as a harsh taskmaster holding a big switch in His hand, just waiting to catch us doing something wrong so He can have a good reason to thrash us; or else as a “loving” Father who showers nothing but blessings upon everyone, or at least everyone who loves and obeys Him. Scriptures paint a different picture of God. Some of the other verses in the devotional point out the balance of God’s bountiful mercy and His chastening of His children. These passages include Proverbs 3L12; Job 5L18l 1 Peter 5:6; Isaiah 48:10; and Lamentations 3:33. They point out that “He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole” and “I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.” as well as, “For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him”, and, “As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him”. The truth of the matter is, if God didn’t discipline us and/or if He always sheltered us the consequences of our choices (or harm in any form, for that matter) it would reflect a much tainted form of “love” – not the genuine love our Heavenly Father displays to us. We don’t always understand what God is doing or allowing in our lives, nor do we always appreciate it; but we can rest assured that He has only our good and welfare at heart.

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A New Experience

Posted on June 28, 2013 by

It’s been a strange day today. I have been working on writing the book lately, and actually making some minimal progress. Anyway, I had a session with the EMDR therapist this morning, and it was very much a closer type session. We focused mainly on a printout my other therapist had given me on attachment to perpetrators, but moved from there to focus more on a broad overview of the progress we have made recently. I feel like I’m in a pretty good space, but that ussually means another major switch is about to occur. By major switch, I mean that the primary personality who is out most of the time changes to another personality who is struggling with issues that are pressing and need resolution. Normally that just automatically happens as soon as the crosier occurs for the one who has been predominantly out; but this time I am in a strange state of limbo.

I am aware of some deep sorrow that doesn’t fit with how I am in general, and it doesn’t seem to be attached to any of my thoughts. It could be that I’m sensing the grief of whoever will be out soon; but I’m not aware of anyone else who has had this feeling of being in limbo, just waiting for a switch to occur.

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Response to Karma Kitchen Principal

Posted on June 25, 2013 by

One of my therapists gave me a CD of a talk given by the guy who started Karma Kitchens. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a resterant/shoppe where each person pays for the food the people behind them order instead of their own. The principal behind it is that instead of repaying a good/kind deed that was done for you, you pass the good deed forward to someone else. Supposedly it is a Buddhist principal, but in reality it is Christian based. The illustration given is the pebble that is dropped into the middle of a pond sending ripples out from the spot the stone hit. As the ripples get farther out they multiply.

As I listened to the CD, I couldn’t help but think of I Corinthians 13 where the Bible says,
Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 “If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such [a]as is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 And if I have prophetic powers ([b]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

3 Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or [c]in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.”
The speaker was presenting this concept as something he learned from a Buddhist monk and then developed further on his own. I felt sorry for the man because he couldn’t see that even while he was presenting how the principle was acted out in his life and the lives of others, he was blind to the underlying motivation of self-centeredness that was at the root of all his giving to others and even at the root of the principle itself. It was all about how good it feels to see and/or know that you have done something for a complete stranger that causes the stranger to feel good about what they received and also good about their participation in the act of passing the blessing on to someone else. Can you see the irony of it all in light of I Corinthians 13?

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Devotion – wages for service given in the name of Jesus

Posted on June 20, 2013 by

Beloved and we enjoyed our time of relaxation and companionship on our annual camping trip to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Now we are home and attempting to settle back into our routine. It’s a bit of an extra challenge since the day after our return I had a doctor appointment and discovered I have a stress fracture (again) in my foot. Last time I had stress fractures in both feet at the same time. I sure do hope none of my children inherit my feet. Between the stress fractures, Fybromyalgia, and Planter Facitis, my feet are a constance source of pain for me.

I think I was posting about my first marriage before the interruption and delays of posting but I’m not sure where I left off. I will have to work on some internal communication to figure that out.

In the meanwhile, I found today’s devotions to be challenging. Rarely do I think about the rewards we will receive in heaven for the services and kindnesses given to others in the name of Jesus while living here on earth. I was surprised to discover all the verses listed in the devotional on that topic. Actually, the verses speak to both the rewards here on earth as well as the ones we will receive in heaven. I’m feeling convicted that I need to be more diligent in my efforts to post regularly as well as make steady headway on the book writing. I sincerely hope and pray that both will be a source of help and encouragement to those who read either one.

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Vacation Time is here!

Posted on June 9, 2013 by

Beloved and I will be leaving in the a.m. for a camping trip, and the computer will not be coming along. Hopefully when I return I will be in a better space for regular posting. I apologize again for my negligence. I really am hoping that this vacation will be what I need to get back on track.

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Early College Days dating/ Pre-romance Days w/ X

Posted on June 7, 2013 by

Boyfriend and I broke up the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, but my heart continued to cherish him dearly. I transferred from the college of my freshman year to a college close to the home my family lived in at that time. I had a growing awareness that I needed to transfer because the college I attended my freshman year didn’t offer the courses I needed to prepare me for the career I was being drawn to. The college near my home offered the courses I needed, but I had to do a double major to get the specific training I needed for what I thought would be my career choice. What I wanted most was to be the best wife and mother I could possibly be, and that included being educated and prepared to take on a career if my family needed me to do that. I condensed my education courses and completed 6 years of required courses to get teacher certifications in both majors, and I did it in four years time by taking maximum credit hours during regular semesters as well as during interim and summer classes. At the same time I felt convicted about not taking any loans for education purposes, so I also worked while attending college. All that left little time for romance, but I did some dating. In truth I couldn’t imagine myself ever loving anyone other than Boyfriend, so dating wasn’t a very serious pursuit.

I went back to the college of my freshman year to help celebrate X’s graduation at the end of my sophomore year, but it was still mostly on a friendship basis. I was his date for the activities of the graduates, and he kissed me for the first time during that visit; but it felt harmless and safe because one of the things I most admired about X was his commitment to his Catholic faith. I would never have wanted to take that away from him, and I couldn’t imagine me ever becoming Catholic, and I was not willing to enter into a marriage with someone of a different faith than me – consequently, I could do casual “dating” with a friend without fearing a conflict of interest. It sounds so silly now to write it out like that, but to me at the time it seemed a safe way to live without conflict.

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Apologies Again/ Getting Started on X

Posted on June 5, 2013 by

I keep promising to do better about posting, and then immediately get further delayed. I have a good excuse, though. One of my dear daughters is getting married in about another week, so I have had to juggle projects for that, therapy and gift knitting projects, and still have some sewing projects that are needing to be done. My plan is to do a few posts today and post date some of them so I can get ready for upcoming wedding and anniversary week of camping.

The focus I have been intending to center in on is the history of my first marriage to X, so I’m going to launch into that now.

I first met X when I went to visit the college I attended my first year. It was during my senior year of high school, and my long-term boyfriend was a freshman at the college I was visiting, but that wasn’t the only thing that drew my to this college. It had originally been founded by our denomination, and both of my parents in addition to my grandfather and many aunts and uncles attended and/or graduated from that college. Call me sentimental, but I really deeply wanted to attend and graduate from this college. X was a fraternity brother to my boyfriend, so I was introduced to him as well as several other fraternity brothers and friends during that first visit. Several of the fraternity brothers connected with me from the very start for a variety of reasons. I was drawn to X because of his fervent faith centered in his Catholicism. Another guy was very proud of his Indian heritage and most of the time he wore a buck skin pants and jacket that he had made entirely by himself. One group of boyfriend’s friends that I did not get along with at all were boyfriend’s room mates and a nucleolus of other friends who were extremely arrogant and spoiled brats (in my opinion). Since boyfriend prioritized these friends over fraternity brothers, most of my spare time during my freshman year of college was spent with boyfriend’s fraternity brothers while boyfriend spent most of his spare time with his elitist friends. Boyfriend would call and chat with me for about 15 to 30 minutes most days and managed to have some time to spend with me on weekends, but most of my spare time during that freshman year was spent with fraternity brothers, not with boyfriend. That gave me somewhat frequent contact with X, but nothing that could be misconstrued as romantic in the least. To me he was “one of the guys” and that was all.

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Paradoxes In Our Life and in Scripture

Posted on May 22, 2013 by

Paradox is a word that has exemplified my life over and over again. In fact, I believe it is the primary reason I am a multiple. I just wasn’t able to reconcile the extreme paradoxes in close relationships, in my home life, and even in my faith.

The Bible speaks to the dynamics of paradox in both the old and new testaments. One of my life verses is in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 {“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.}

Over the years I have felt my weaknesses quite clearly, and even when the sense of weakness was most keen, I have also been aware of God’s strength being acted out in my life. He has amazed me at times with the ways He has demonstrated His strength. Many times other people have commented on my “strong faith” or attributing what they see in me to my own merit, and I have struggled during those times to communicate clearly how very weak I am yet how very strong Christ is within me. This isn’t a false humility or self-rejection or denial, though it is very hard to explain the difference some times. I just know from personal experience that when I deny the strength God makes available to me and lean on my own abilities instead of His, I can do nothing but fall on my face. I fail over and over again in even the simplest of determined efforts; but when I fully rest and rely on God’s strength, He proves Himself fully up to the challenge. Sometimes I don’t even recognize what He is doing in and through me until I reflect back on what I did or didn’t do and then I can see how He has brought strong good or benefit out of it. Then I am filled with awe and gratitude to Him for it, even though there may be other people around me who attribute it to me.

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Relaunching

Posted on May 16, 2013 by

I believe we are ready to start regularly posting once again. There have been many reasons for the delay, but I don’t want to spend my time and focus on those things. Instead, I am going to share part of my devotions for today and then try to recap some of where I was before leaving the scene for a while so we can continue on from here.
By the way, I am switching frequently due to the topics I plan to discuss, so most likely during this post the writing will be done by Beth,Shadow, and/or Stranger.

One of the passages from my devotional today was Mathew 11:28-30 (Amplified Version) Jesus is speaking, ” Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good – not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.”

For more than a decade I lived in almost a constant state of abuse and fear from my husband (now ex-husband). During part of that time I spent a total of three years over a five year span as an inpatient in either a medical hospital or psychiatric hospital due to the deliberate efforts of my ex-husband. My primary focus was on my children. I did not allow myself the time needed to grieve or heal from the abuse because I was focussed on being healthy enough to provide as safe and stable of a home for my children as possible. When my children were grown I began the overwhelming task of becoming unburdened of the pain, grief, and trauma which were generated during those years of abuse.
(for clarification purpose: I am speaking of myself in the singular text but I am referring to the united Many of Me.)
Just prior to my marriage my mother had died a horrendously cruel death to cancer, and I had a physical collapse the day she died because I had been one of the primary caretakers of my mother while taking 18 credits and doing my student teaching all at the same time. Then, against my physicians emphatic disapproval, I enrolled to take the final 18 credits I needed to graduate on time. I was married the same weekend I would have graduated, had I not failed a basic course due to my inability to function and compromised health. I bring this up here to make it clear that I had a ton of grief and healing desperately needed even before I married; and since our children were born very close together beginning the first year of our marriage, I have had to carry an extremely heavy load of grief over the years.
I realize that may sound contradictory to the passage of Scripture I just quoted; but please let me clarify. God, in His infinitely great wisdom designed our bodies and minds with the need to process grief through experiencing it. He has made it possible for us to delay processing our pain and grief, but it is part of the way He has made us that we grow and heal by going through the process. The passage I quoted above is Jesus’ instructions for us to let Him be very present with us as we go through the healing process, letting Him carry the weight of the burden of grief as we go through the process together. He promises that if we let Him be with us, sharing the burden and trusting Him to handle the questions and mysteries that assail us during those times which make the whole ordeal much harder, then He will guide us safely to the other side of grief where there is healing and joy and peace for the soul. He doesn’t offer us an escape from the healing journey because He knows how important going through the process is. He allowed the trauma for our good, even though we can’t comprehend why or how; and He will not rob us of the good He desires to bring about by going through the process.
Hopefully I have not further confused anyone. Please feel free to message me with questions if this has confused you. I will try to answer clearly.

Since I took so long in the above part of the post, I will wait until the next post to address the other things I listed above.

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