I know I’ve been terribly neglectful with making regular posts. Please bare with me while I struggle through some rough times. There are some technical things I need to work out as well as personal things. I have not forgotten you, and I will return to regular posting, hopefully before too long; but for now I need to ask that you extend patience while I work through the things I need to work through.
I’m sorry I’ve been so neglectful to make posts on this site. Really this one is just to break the ice and get started again.
The past month has been very trying in terms of the depression and medication changes. I’ve had some special projects to keep my hands busy as much of the time as I could; but most of my time has been spent in bed. My body rests while my mind continues to struggle to reach a restful calm in hopes for a restorative rest to be accomplished.
I have used some of that time and energy to contemplate changes in the way I have been going about keeping up with writing the book and organizing and writing here on the blog. I’ll write more about that later on.
I don’t have it all figured out just yet, so there may be some more delays and/or abrupt starts and/or endings in style or content of what you will see here. I just keep reminding myself that this is God’s project and it’s important that it’s done in His way and His time. If that includes delays that frustrate me, well, so be it. But I’m hoping that I will be able to get back on a steady track real soon.
I don’t imagine many people ask themselves that question very often; but it is one I frequently ask myself and frequently the answer is elusive. I’m apt to know that I am not Abigail, or Beth, or any of a host of other names. I might know how old I am, but, then again, I might not know that either. I’m not usually too bothered by the fact unless someone else asked me the question first and then it can be rather embarrassing to have to say that I’m clueless about such a basic piece of information.
But I do know who I am in Christ Jesus. I am His child. I am secure in the knowledge that I am eternally His, and He knows all about me. There is extreme security in that awareness, maybe especially because of how many times I don’t know who I am.
It has not always been this way. Before we went through an extremely traumatic experience that was supposedly done in Christ’s name, we more often than not knew exactly who we were as well as many other facts about ourself. That experience marks a point in our life that continues to have negative impact on us; but God continues to bring good and blessings out of the mire and filth that was imposed upon us in His name.
There are questions that have haunted us ever since those days (although over the years we have found peace even in the absence of explanation) – did God take us down there into that situation knowing all the harm and hurt it would cause? Was it part of His plan and purpose for our lives? We were in a very dangerous and precarious predicament and we trusted God to lead us into doing what would be best for us. It was an act which we believed to be obedient to God, yet it resulted in one of the most traumatic events of our life. So, can we trust God to answer our prayers for guidance or not?
We find peace and comfort in the following verses:, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, …so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:8-11
We are just coming out of a season in which we celebrate the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The horror of the unfathomable torture Jesus endured on our behalf makes what we endured seem miniscule in comparison, yet we know for fact that it was part of God’s plan – even the climax of God’s plan for His life here on earth. When it is all said and done, we can put full trust in Him and His plan for our life even when that plan includes extreme grief and pain for us because He paved the way before us.
For about 2 weeks now I have had a deep burden on my heart to be in prayer for my family members. I didn’t know exactly why, though I was aware of some of the needs; but day and night my heart was stirred to lift them in prayer, and so I have been doing so.
I’ve been in touch now with each one of the offspring except the youngest (who is taking advantage of spring break to spend extra time with his sweetheart), and visited with father and younger brother, and heard from sister. It’s been a blessing to hear from them and to have a better idea of how to pray more specifically.
Right now I have a migraine and I’m extra tired from a visit from youngest daughter and youngest grandchild this afternoon. It’s a wonderful type of tired; but the migraine is majorly no fun, so I will close now and deal more aggressively with that.
I had my counseling session with my Christian counselor today. We discussed one relationship in particular that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. The focus was the paradox of this and other relationships. I asked her how to reconcile the paradox – how can I make the extreme opposites make sense; and how do I live with these relationships. Her answer was simple – you grieve.
She explained that when I was a child I needed those relationships to be secure and safe; and the way I made them safe without loosing my sanity was to dissociate. Now that I’m an adult and dealing with the DID, I need to grieve the loss of what I didn’t really have.
My spirit rebels against that notion. I want to scream out the facts I know about how loving and honorable my parents & family were. I could take many pages and write out about the many good things they did for others without ever seeking praise or recognition for themselves. I’m not fabricating or making those things up; yet I cannot deny the times when members of my family were bitterly cruel to me, and not me alone. The grief pierces my soul to the very depths of my being. Part of me screams for justice; and part of me wails in the face of reality. It seems irreconcilable.
I’m not really making sense right now, so I’ll close.
My writers magazine says its important to write when you feel like writing and when you don’t. Today I do not feel like writing. I just feel like crying. For the past few days my heart has been very heavy for my external children. I don’t really know why; but my spirit cries out for them, for God to shower His mercy upon them, and draw them closer to Him than ever before. One of my offspring is not choosing to let Christ live in and through her right now (and hasn’t for a number of years) so it is common for my heart to lift toward Heaven grieving and pleading on her behalf. And while she is definitely included in my pleas, she is not the only one my heart is breaking over these days. In fact, each one of our offspring, their beloveds, and their offspring are all weighing heavy on my heart and soul.
It’s exhausting to carry this burden of love – one I gladly bear, so I find the need to rest also weighing down on me.
Oh most Holy and Righteous Beloved Savior; I lift my aching heart to You. You alone know the deep soul needs of my dear family members, but I lift them each one up to You to meet each ones needs in this moment, in this day, in these times. I lay my burden down at Your feet and entrust it to You. You love them more dearly than I do, and You are alone capable of meeting all their deepest needs. If there is more that I need to do, then please lead me to act according to Your will and timing. Amen
There are several villains we have encountered in hospitals – some real creeps out there; but I’m just going to talk about the one who attacked me. Don’t get me wrong- there are some really super people who work at mental hospitals; but there are not enough evil words to describe the creep who went after me.
I’m Jennifer, and I’m 17 years old. I used to do a lot of cutting, usually with blades from a carving kit we own, or used to own. Well, I was working with this counselor when the cutting got so bad that I got scared and told the counselor all about it. She sent me to the hospital. The idea was for me to get help in getting the cutting back under control; but the trouble started during the intake when the admitting nurse asked me my name and age. I told her my name and age just as I wrote it here in this post, but the nurse objected. We had been hospitalized in this hospital before, so we knew all about their rule that there can be no switching during the hospital stay. That’s why I used my personality name and age, not the birth name and age. I tried to explain to the intake nurse that I was the only personality who would be out during this hospital stay because it was me who was having the issues that needed to be addressed. I guess she must have written down the birth name and age anyway, cause she dropped the issue and moved on with the intake process.
Well then we go to the first group, and I guess there were several new people so the leader of group asked everyone to introduce themselves to the rest of the group. What do you know, the person sitting beside was named Jennifer, too. The leader was real sweet to her, asked if she liked to go by her full name or Jenny, or some other nickname. He said in group we just want people to feel comfortable so we would use whatever name she preferred. Then it is my turn and I say my name is Jennifer. The leader got real indignant and said it was not and we were not going to discuss it further. We would use only the birth name. Well, everyone in the whole group was all mouths dropped open and questioning, cause his attitude towards me was so different from the girl beside me. After group the other patients all gathered around me and asked what that was all about and told me they would call me anything I liked no matter what staff said. I tried to explain that I was DID and they just wanted me to use the birth name. It wasn’t like it had to be a big deal to me. I could use the birth name if everyone was going to get all bent out of shape about it. That’s what I told everyone after group. Later the group leader said he was sorry and he didn’t handle it well, so I said it was ok, and I told everyone to call me by the birth name so there wouldn’t be a big issue. I really wanted to get over it and get to focusing on the issue of cutting, but the doctor in charge of the psych unit wouldn’t let it drop. He told all the group leaders to ask me before group started which personality was out, and if I said it was Jennifer they were not supposed to allow me to attend group. Well, that was a stupid predicament. If they just asked me for my name I could say the birth name and we could just move on; but no, he insisted that they ask specifically which personality was out. And according to the rules they set up there was not allowed to be switching so of course I had to stay Jennifer due to their own rules. So I kept getting kicked out of group. Then the doctor says I’m being uncooperative. Say what?!? I’m not the one making an issue out of who’s out. This creep even got his staff all confused and wondering what was going on with him – even they could see I was trying to move on and deal with the issues but he wasn’t letting that happen. One time I got so mad I walked out – as in, out of the unit and away from the hospital. I just needed to walk off my anger a bit, and then I came back; but then he had to make a huge issue of that. One of the staff got so frustrated with him and she said she used to work on the adolescent unit and I was behaving just like the teenagers there and if he would just treat me like anyone my age should be treated he wouldn’t be having these issues. Well, that was affirming, but it didn’t make any difference. The guy was driving me crazy and I was doing a lot of cutting while in the hospital (I sneaked in a blade just in case I needed it and it was a good thing I did because I don’t know how I could have coped with the craziness that guy was putting us through without it). But then I felt guilty about using the blade and scared, too, because of how bad I was cutting. By weekend the creep doctor said he was going to have me transferred to the state hospital and I would never get out of there and he was going to make sure of that. He even said it to my Beloved. Then my Beloved asked what about all the rights I have according to state law, and the creep doctor said he had the power to override them. That really made us mad. There was one thing that creep doctor hadn’t counted on. The state law says a psych doctor not associated with the hospital do an independent evaluation and both doctors had to agree in order for the transfer to the state hospital to happen. The other doctor said the state hospital would be the worst place for me and asked my Beloved if he could come up with some alternative that the consulting doctor could agree to. Well, we arranged for me to go to Florida and stay with Beloved’s parents and work on stuff with them because his mom was a medical doctor who did her internship in the state psychiatric hospital and his dad was chaplain there. So that’s the way we got away from creep doctor; but now we know that we cannot ever go to a hospital no matter what for psychiatric treatment because they are so prejudice against DID patients and they have the power to evoke all our rights.
Over the years we have encountered very real enemies. Some were enemies of our family, attempting to destroy our family unit permanently. Others were intentionally out to destroy me/us because of our multiplicity. I plan to write more about these in the near future; but first I want to share a passage of Scripture that could have been written just for us. In truth, they were written by King David when Saul was out to destroy him; but the words apply to us as well:
(Amplified Version) Psalms 54-55:9 [I know this is very long, but the whole piece speaks so powerfully from my heart. I hope and pray that it may speak to another heart as I write.] “Save me, O God, by Your name; judge and vindicate me by Your mighty strength and power. Hear my pleading and my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth. For strangers and insolent men are rising up against me, and violent men and ruthless ones seek and demand my life; they do not set God before them. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! Behold, God is my helper and ally; the Lord is my upholder and is with them who uphold my life. He will pay back evil to my enemies; in Your faithfulness [Lord] put an end to them. With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks and praise Your name, O Lord, for it is good. For He has delivered me out of every trouble, and my eye has looked [in triumph] on my enemies.
Listen to my prayer, O God, and hide not Yourself from my supplication! Attend to me and answer me; I am restless and distraught in my complaint and must moan [And I am distracted] at the noise of the enemy, because of the oppression and threats of the wicked; for they would cast trouble upon me, and in wrath they persecute me. My heart is grievously pained within me, and the terrors of death fave fallen upon me. My heart is grievously pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling have com upon me; horror and fright have overwhelmed me. And I say, Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Yes, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! I would hasten to escape and to find a shelter from the stormy wind and tempest.
Destroy [their schemes], O Lord, confuse their tongues, for I have seen violence and strife in the city.”
Try to remember these verses as you read the accounts of how very real enemies have sought to destroy us; and be amazed with us at how relevant these words are as they apply to our situations.
Due to an error done here at the computer, we lost all the posts about a week or so ago; but almost all of them have been reinstalled now, so we will try to pick up where we left off.
Greetings All,
In doing some maintenance to the site, I managed to hose it. 
All of the posts up through March 8, 2013 will be restored; hopefully by tomorrow evening.
