Christmas season is past and the new year begun. After Christmas we bought a new tablet for ourself, and now we are trying to learn how to use it. It has a keyboard and built-in mouse. I struggle to adjust to the smaller keyboard, and am trying to learn not to put my thumbs down while I type since the mouse is right there.
One of the significant things that stands out for me in the other DID blogs is the absence of faith, specifically faith in Jesus Christ. As I look back over the years I have been in therapy, I know that I know that I know that God has guided me and my situations, orchestrating my healing journey. There were times I felt I couldn’t go on; but in those moments I cried out to God to be my Rescuer, and He was. Even in those multiple moments when life seemed pretty much status-quo I was grateful for His reassuring presence. I just don’t know how anyone goes through this without the help and guidance of a loving, tender Heavenly Father.
There are many ways and times when my earthly father let me down; but just as He promised, God has never failed me. I couldn’t always see His hand in the moment, but hind sight has made it clear that God has been completely faithful. I know that it is especially hard to trust God as a faithful Father when your earthly father let you down in big ways; but I also know that God is near to the broken hearted and He will hear and answer prayer to anyone who calls out to Him in sincerity.
So right now I pray for the brokenhearted who read this blog. I pray that they are able to overcome every barrier that stands in the way of them coming to a trusting, loving relationship with their Creator.
I’ve been looking at other DID blogs lately. I want to connect with other multiples, find out how they function and what they think. I’d like to link to some of them here, and maybe they will link to this site. I haven’t figured out how to communicate with them, though. Apparently they didn’t set their sites up to make it easy to post on them if you aren’t on their board. I’m planning to get some assistance from more computer savvy people.
One thing I’ve noticed is that many of the posts others make are shorter and really are just updates on how they are feeling or what they are doing. That’s not always the case, but it’s a theme.
I also noticed that faith doesn’t seem to be a big part of their lives, or at least it’s not in their posts. It’s such a big part of my life and healing journey that I can’t imagine life without it. I’m reminded again how important it is to include that in my own story.
I had what I assume will be my last session with Larry, since he is going on vacation for the whole month of September, and I am sure I will no longer be out by the time he gets back. I’ve grown so much from our sessions together, and I will miss him when I am no longer out.
One of the key issues I wanted to address with Larry was how I should go about connecting with others internally. If the purpose of me being totally separate is over, then it seems to me I should do something to bridge that gap. Larry thinks I don’t need to do anything – that they will get a hold of me when they need me, and when that happens it will be natural for me to respond. When they need the “no” one, they will call on me and I will step in to deal with the situation.
I’m still left with questions. How will I know what the situation is unless I have communication with them? I guess that’s the biggest one. I don’t have an answer. Maybe I will have the opportunity to step back out sometime soon, and it will be like natural to say and do whatever is called for. That’s what I hope for.
Since I have been out (for the past couple months) I have learned a lot. My therapy sessions with Lori and Larry are mind boggling. I find that my whole sense of self-worth and purpose is being changed around.
In the past I have stayed distant from the others, and I refused to write anything in a journal or attend therapy sessions because I needed to stay completely away. But as I reflect on the time since I came out, I see some things that set the stage for me being out – made it possible for me to be out for an extended amount of time. My relationship with my beloved is key. He is a man of extreme patience and incredible gentleness and tenderness. If not for that it would never have been safe for me to be out so long. I am a frightened rabbit. I bunker down low when I am afraid, unable to move. In my mind I run as fast as I can but in reality I am frozen stiff.
Lori has been doing brain spotting and helping me work through my feelings and perceptions about my parents. She talks to me about the locus of control. At first I didn’t think it applied to me, but gradually I realized it really does. That is a painful realization.
Larry has been focusing our time together on changing the way I see myself. I have gone from someone filled with shame to someone who sees that I have a purpose for good – the good of others as well as good of myself. I have learned so much about anger and how it works for my protection, which is why I could never say, “No” to anyone. I have gone from being terrified of being known or identified to letting Larry call me by a primary characteristic; and I am actually writing thoughts down.
I think surely I won’t need to be out much longer, but I’m no longer desperate to be gone. I just can’t imagine needing to do more work than I already have. I suppose there is one more hurdle to cross. I still am intentionally distant from the other parts of me. Larry thinks that is no longer necessary – that it served it’s purpose, but I’m scared. I’m not confident that I would be accepted, or what my role would be.
I guess this is all I can write for now.
I’ve been reviewing what other personalities have posted, and I came across one about art. I realized I haven’t done any expressive art in months. In a way that’s not surprising, since I’m not a super artsy person; but I am able to keep doing other things that other personalities do so I don’t know why not the art. Like, I’ve been doing knitting – a skill others have and I have been accessing. I follow my feet successfully in other things, so why hasn’t it occurred to me that I’m missing the art link. Maybe I need to attend to that.
I’ve been out for a couple months. I’ve learned a LOT, and I’m tired. I’ve made friends with people that others have known a long time, including my husband. I’ve made huge shifts in my thinking about myself and life and loved ones. Surely my time out must be coming to a close. I don’t know what more I am supposed to do. Don’t have more to say, but Lori says I should just write what I am experiencing, so this is it.
It’s hard to imagine just how long it has been since I last posted. It doesn’t feel like it has been that many months; but I guess it has. I am someone “new” out. I’ve been trying to stay undetected by friends and family. I don’t want to have to answer questions. I’m doing my work with therapists and private journaling. I don’t communicate much at all with other personalities, so there has been many things I have had to learn from reading what others have written and from therapists. I was aware that others were doing good hard work and making progress, but not aware of what that entailed. Now, as I start to see and understand some of the things others have already embraced, I am on the edge – not totally where they are mentally, and not ready to take the leap of joining them, yet I am starting to comprehend why they have made the choices they have and how it has brought about healing.
When I first came out some months ago, I was very resistant to the idea of getting closer to the others. I was full of my own shame on several levels. In some ways I wanted to have nothing to do with the others. I felt they had been too trusting of others and had been badly hurt. I had stayed safe by keeping my distance, and I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of risking that self-protection. Most of all I was very determined not to have a name or anything that identified me as a specific personality.
Therapists were good and patient with me. They helped me understand some of the foundational breakthroughs that others have had – things like seeing multiplicity as a blessing instead of a curse, and gift from God, and an asset for life. I’ve learned the importance of anger as well as many other concepts relating to anger. I’ve learned about the Lotus of Control concept, and how that has played out in my/our life. (That was a very hard lesson, since I would not alter my high esteem of my parents easily. In fact, I still struggle with it.)
For a long time I wasn’t willing to write at all. I was afraid that if I did, someone might be able to identify me through my writing. But the inner compulsion to write finally won me over. There are still things I won’t write about, and I still don’t want a name or way to be identified separate from the others, but I’ve come a long way.
So much is still unsettled. Setting the rest aside for the moment, my therapist suggested that maybe instead of thinking of my parents as good or bad or both, I should think of them as broken. That is far easier to embrace. It’s not hard to see them as broken. And if someone has a broken leg, you don’t expect them to run a race, even if other people their age and abilities can run.
As I was contemplating all the angles of this while I should have been sleeping, I interjected the concept of being flawed. Everyone is flawed, in so far as to say we are all less than perfect. No one takes a pass on that one. But not everyone is broken, as in a hand thrown pot of clay is not perfectly shaped, and a good many have their share of cracks here and there; but not everyone is impaired by their cracks, leaking what is inside to the outside.
It gets confusing when you think of someone like my parents. Being less than perfect isn’t really the issue nor can it be compared with something that is actually broken. Both of my parents were broken, yet they did try to do a good job of parenting while they also ministered to numerous other broken people. They let me down, but it wasn’t like they didn’t care. They didn’t invite the elephant into the middle of the room. Their limitations prevented them from seeing that it was there.
So in the world there are people who are cracked or broken in addition to being flawed. Some of those people get mad at God or the world or whatever, feel like they got a bum wrap, and are careless or even intentional about harming others. Their life philosophy is,” If I have to be broken I’m going to make sure I’m not the only one.”; and they go about intentionally doing harm to others. My first husband falls into this group.
Then there are other people who are broken and use their brokenness as an excuse to do nothing. Still other broken people let their own brokenness motivate them and instruct them to bring healing and health to other broken people. My parents fall into this category. But there were really big reasons why they just couldn’t acknowledge how broken I was, nor my siblings either.
A new thought occurred to me as I waited for morning to come. Many times my mother said to my older brothers and me, “Don’t get [a girl] pregnant! Your father would have to give up the ministry if you did and that would destroy him.”
Nothing new about that; but the new realization to me was, if that was such a huge deal that could destroy my father, then what would it have done to him/them if they were to acknowledge the incest. It would have been unthinkably worse. They didn’t just intentionally turn their backs on it, as if it didn’t matter. In fact, it mattered too much. So, as one therapist put it, I was sacrificed for the sake of my father’s ministry. That’s oversimplified, and deeply painful; but undoubtedly true.
I’m not sure this is coming out clear. I wouldn’t mind some feedback. I’m still processing these things and I’m at a point right now where I need to stop writing.
I know I left you hanging with the last post, and I will get back to finish it when things calm down a bit. So much significant things have been happening all a once that it’s hard to write about. Hopefully soon, very soon.
