A Price to be Paid

Posted on December 28, 2014 by

One of the struggles I have had in writing the book has been the desire and the need to write accurately and compassionately some of the things that wounded me deeply by people who are also worthy of my respect and sincere gratitude. That didn’t come out very well, but I hope it will be made clear in the writing of the book eventually.

Today I heard a wonderful message by Ravi Zacharius about the price we all pay for the choices we make. Ravi used the incident of when David exclaimed how much he would dearly love a drink from the well of Jerusalem. Unknown to David, three of his valiant worriers overheard his expression and, at great risk to themselves, they went to get the water David so dearly desired and took it to him. When David received it, instead of drinking it he poured it out on the ground, and in doing so expressed to the men that they themselves were far more valuable to him than the water was. Ravi went on to make the point that there is a price to be paid for the choices we make. I prioritized my time with my family and in so doing gave up a career that could have been very fulfilling to me and could have benefited countless children and their families. My father prioritized his ministry that touched the lives of countless people in deep and meaningful ways, but in order to do that he had to sacrifice time with his family. It’s a hard balance to make. Sometimes we make choices that impact the people around us in a positive way; and sometimes it hurts the people we love.

I’m physically sick and spent right now, so I am doing a really bad job of expressing what I want to say. I’m getting things all jumbled up, but the message I heard Ravi give helped me in my own issues sorting out when good intentions result in costly things for either ourselves or our loved ones.

Key issues – David’s desire for the water was not wrong, but when fulfilling that desire cost the potential lose of his men, it dimmed in comparison. Ravi went on to share that he has had a long and beneficial career but if he had it all to do over again he would have been gone away from his family far less. The issue isn’t that there was anything wrong with what he did; but at times the price to his family was higher than he would now choose if he had to do it all over again.

I wonder if my father ever looks back at choices he made for the benefit of the ministry that cost his family very dearly.

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Hazzy Lazzy Days

Posted on November 13, 2014 by

Just want to update again. The past few weeks have been a struggle. My brother, who I dearly love, has been in ICU more than once. His lung keeps collapsing. It looked like we would lose him a couple times, and he is now in hospice. I am finding that I am in a daze much of the time. It’s hard to keep my mind focused on what I’m doing, and I’ve hurt myself accidentally just because I wasn’t thinking straight about where my body was or what I was doing. Much of the time I am in bed. I feel like I’m being lazy, but in reality I’m just staying safe.

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The Importance of Remembering

Posted on October 16, 2014 by

It’s easy to get lost in the pressure of daily functioning and forget that there are longer term things to keep in mind. Yesterday I heard a message on Christian radio about the importance of remembering the things God has done for us in the past to give us courage and encouragement to face the challenges that we are facing today. For a Scripture reference the speaker noted that the first thing the Israelites were told to do after God lead them across the Jordon river was to build a pillar of stones. The purpose of that monument was so that when the children of Israel came to that pillar of stones in the future and asked their parents what it was there for, the parents could tell the children about how God lead them across dry ground right through the Jordon to enter into their promised land. It was intended to give them courage to fight the inhabitants of the land and reclaim the land for God and His chosen people.

The message reminded me that I have been given an awesome challenge to write about our experiences and how God has provided for us in our life. I must restore within myselves the drive to remember and record events as I experienced them for the benefit of others who need to hear my life events. I have been struggling so hard just to function every day that I have lost sight of the goal. I needed to be reminded of what God wants us to do. With His guidance and leading we will attempt to move forward and face the hurdles that stand in the way.

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Still Sleepy

Posted on October 14, 2014 by

It’s terribly hard to continually struggle with the need for excessive amounts of sleep. One day last week I thought I was coming out of this sleeping stupor, only to return to it in a few short days. I’m trying to remind myselves that God has a plan and purpose for all this extra sleep; and even though I don’t see the reasons they do exist.

We are thinking that we might do better if a particular psych med is reduced in dosage. Twice now I have taken a lower dose at night and had more alert days that followed. I don’t like to make changes in medication levels without a doctor’s approval, but I’ve been waiting all day for the psychiatrist to return my call and soon her office hours will be over for the day. Tomorrow is my final painting class and I missed the previous one so it’s very important to us to get to this class. I’m thinking that I should try to sleep a bit more before leaving to spend the evening with youngest son and his bride.

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Catching Up To Date

Posted on October 1, 2014 by

I wish there was more to tell. We continue to struggle with needing much more sleep than is “normal” by any stretch of the word. Some days every week are spent sleeping huge amounts interspersed with meals and meds. Most days include at least one stretch of alert time lasting 4-6 hours, but that doesn’t seem like much to me. A typical day goes like this: early morning get up and take meds :& eat something followed by 2-3 hours of sleep. On some days I get SAD lights in and take more meds before going back to sleep. Then eat something for lunch, take more meds, and then back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. Some days I am able to get up for 1-2 hours after that nap, but many days I am right back to bed and sleep again. 2-3 more hours of sleep until Beloved gets home from work, and then we eat supper and take supper meds. Some days I stay up to watch some TV or maybe spend some time on the computer or knit. That’s my longest period of time to be awake, lasting until any where from 2-6 hours. Then it’s time for night time meds and more sleep. Usually I’m up a few times during the late night hours but go right back to sleep if I get up during the night. If I have an appointment on a particular day I usually have to sleep the whole day before and set an alarm to make sure I don’t miss my appointment. I only make appointments in the mid to late afternoon so that I have a chance of keeping them; and when something like church comes into play where I have to be functional in the morning, I try to prioritize sleeping the day before and still might have to give up and miss church.

Much of my therapy time is focused on why there seems to be such a high need for sleep. So far we don’t have many answers. We (the many of me) and therapists are very unsure about whether we need to force getting up and being more active or if we need to accept things the way they are and trust that the system knows what it is doing.

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Current Status Update

Posted on September 23, 2014 by

This will be brief, but hopefully it will not be too long before I can get back.

It’s been several months that I have been struggling with extensive need for excessive sleep. It’s been the focus for medical and therapeutic services for some time and we have not reached a good solution. The current consensus seems to be that personalities are causing the trouble, but knowing why they are doing it is a huge unknown. I’m supposed to tell them thank you for looking out for me in this way, but I find it hard to do with sincerity. I’m asking for internal communication and joint journaling but I’m not getting any response to my inquiries. This has been going on since last winter, and I am soooooo tired of being sooooooo tired.

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A Balancing Act

Posted on August 30, 2014 by

I heard a message yesterday while listening to the radio about the importance of recognizing the balancing of grace and truth. The point being made was that people tend to prioritize one or the other. This is true in their relationships with one another as well as how they view God. Some people emphasize God’s mercy and grace to the neglect of God’s truth and justice; while others focus on God’s judgement and the laws He gave to guide us. In order to get an understanding of who God really is and how He relates to us and how He wants us to relate to each other you have to keep truth and grace in balance with each other. If you draw near to God’s heart you gain a better understanding of how that works in our lives. On the one hand, God gave us the 10 commandments and other instructions in which He tells us to obey Him; but on the other hand Jesus’ illustration of God’s mercy in His story of the prodigal son shows God embracing and forgiving the prodigal when he comes to his senses are returns to his father. God shows us a balance between truth and grace in many places throughout the Scripture.

As I reflected on the message I heard yesterday I thought about the family I grew up in, and how I want to portray them in the book I am writing. I want people who read the book to get a truthful picture of my home. In so many ways my parents lived out the faith they preached and taught. When I focus on that I can come up with many illustrations of how I/we were blessed to be raised in our home. But there were key times and key ways in which my parents let me down that can’t be ignored or downplayed. It’s hard for me to even type those words without jumping to their defense, but it would be dishonest to speak only of how they blessed us and be silent about things that wounded me/us deeply. So I will attempt to present both realities in what I choose to put into the book.

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Hebrews 12:1,2 Amplified

Posted on August 18, 2014 by

This is a passage of Scripture that has been a powerful motivator for us in the past, and it came up in devotions again. Like so many times before, the Word comes to me in exactly the right word at exactly the right time. I’ve been struggling to get back on track with preparing the book for publication and also with making regular posts to this site. I wait for fresh inspiration and then when it doesn’t come, time slips by. I am continuing to work on the Artist Way program to jump-start the creative flow but it is slow in coming, so I feel like I’m trudging through thick syrup.

This passage comes after a chapter in Hebrews that names a long list of Biblical heroes of the faith, and with that as a backdrop, the passage speaks for itself: “Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

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Artist Way Synchronicity

Posted on August 8, 2014 by

Synchronicity is a word I haven’t seen before reading it in the Artist’s Way. It is used there to describe how seemingly unrelated serendipity life events connect with each other to open new avenues for expressing your creativity. For example, the Writer’s Digest magazine I subscribe to featured this month’s issue on creativity at the same time I am working my way through the Artist’s Way course – an intense concentration on the development of creativity. The two are unrelated but they came together for me at this time to help me focus my creativity on writing. This week we received the fall semester guides for two different places I can enhance my skills in several creative venues – painting, drawing, learning how to play the piano and improving my skills on playing the guitar – all of which are things I have been journaling about in my Artist Way notebook for the past couple months. This week the lessons are about making plans for bringing desired blessings into reality, envisioning what I want my life to look like in 5 years and developing plans in increments of time to see these dreams into real life, so it’s the perfect time for me to get those curriculum guides offering classes in the fields I would like to develop into my life. I am beginning to feel like I might be able to return to writing for this blog and working on getting the book I want to write into print. I’m still needing a large amount of sleep and rest as I continue to recover from a severe episode of depression, which weighs heavily on me at times; but little by little I am able to tackle more tasks around the house and with my crafting as well.

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A Walk In the Park

Posted on August 1, 2014 by

I’ve been taking a rather long break from posting. I’ve been struggling with knowing what to write. The Artist’s Way is going along o.k., but we haven’t been inspired to write for the blog or the book.

Today, as an assignment for The Artist’s Way, I spent a very enjoyable afternoon at Olbrich Gardens. They were featuring a large display of butterflies – a veritable feast of beauty for the eyes; and while I was there a wedding was also held in the gardens. I lounged under an arbor and drank it all in. The bride was gorgeous. Every thing all around me was beautiful (except for the bees and bugs – I was especially disturbed by the bees since I fell prey to a wasp a couple days ago). My soul was refreshed, and I finally was able to come home and write this post. Maybe now we will be able to pick up where we left off a few weeks ago.

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