Starting a new adventure

Posted on June 10, 2014 by

So we are starting on what promises to be a special adventure. It’s a 12 week intense course designed to get rid of writer’s block/artist block and build creativity. It’s called The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, by Julia Cameron, I’m just at the beginning of week one but so far I am keeping up with the assignments.

This week is all about Blurts and Affirmations. Affirmations are exactly what you would expect, and blurts are the arguments that pop into your mind to counter the affirmations. We are doing mental time travels back to discover where the blurts are coming from – the source of the problems, and then uprooting them from the core. Surprisingly, we have had more people who have encouraged us (people in our hall of fame) than ones who have planted blurts into our brain. We are writing about those experiences, too.

 

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I guess I’m back for a while

Posted on June 5, 2014 by

It’s been a long time since I, Redeemed, have been out. Usually when there is a major shift in who is out it means the new person has work to do. I’m guessing I need to do more work on anger towards our first husband. It’s not that I’ve regressed or have to redo the work I’ve previously done. It’s just that anger, especially strong anger, often gets healed a layer at a time. I did my work, took a break, and now it’s time to work on it again.

Anyway, just wanted to sign in again and let you all know I’m back.

Just want to add a second note: when I logged in there seemed to be several others who would have liked to post, so someone new may post before I get a chance to.

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Update

Posted on May 2, 2014 by

It’s been quite a while since we last posted. Since the last time we have gotten a new computer, new key board (requiring a lot of adjustments to the way we type), new smart phones, and a wonderful new monitor. With all the new things a person might think we are a new person, but in truth it’s the same many-of-me struggling with depression and medications.

Today we had a therapy session with our EMDR therapist and we worked on using tapping to diminish pain. We have had to reduce the strength of our pain patch medication because of the interaction it has with our psych meds. So far that means increased pain with not much relief from the depression (dose is too low still). We are hoping the dose will be increased at our next visit to the psychiatrist which will be next week. In the meanwhile we will try to deal with increased pain using the tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

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Writing Thru the Tears

Posted on March 18, 2014 by

This depression is weighing so heavily on me/us. Today’s devotions were spot on. The title is “Perfect Through Sufferings”. Much of the focus of the devotions is on how Jesus suffered for us, and also speaks to our sufferings. It’s important to keep perspective when feelings are so low – the Christ is intimately acquainted with all our grief, and His sufferings on our behalves far exceeded our own troubles.

It’s been weeks now since I have done any writing for the book. I just can’t seem to get my brain to focus on it at all. I’m beginning to wonder if God wants us to write out of our grieving instead of waiting for a time when we aren’t so down. I’m reminded of seasons of our life when we would listen to Christian radio for hours almost every day, longing to hear someone speak to the grief I was feeling from a perspective of actively being there in the moment instead of from a “been there/ done that” perspective. Maybe I’m supposed to write to the aching hearts who will read our words written in the “here and now” sufferings. Not sure, but maybe.

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Here in the Horrible Pit of Depression

Posted on March 2, 2014 by

Here I am again,back in the familiar sights and sounds and feelings of depression. My therapist has encouraged me to recognize it for what it is and avoid the pitfall of beating myselves up over it. The psychiatrist is back to experimenting with different drug combinations to relieve the symptoms since the one that was working so well for me had to be discontinued due to damage being done to my stomach.

Often when I find myself to be at a loss to express what I am feeling, I turn to the Psalms (or in this case God prompted my spirit to recall the passage from Psalms I have meditated on before).

Psalm 40:2
He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.

I find tremendous comfort and courage to keep moving on when I set my mind on God’s words. He so, so, so understands exactly what I’m going through; and He knows the way out of it. He has set my feet upon a rock before, and steadied my steps and showed me the way. He will do it again. But right now it’s hard to hang on to that. So I will just have to let Him hold on to me instead.

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Power Restrained and Refined

Posted on February 24, 2014 by

I listened to a broadcast on Christian radio this afternoon, about Power. The discussion was comprehensive and inspiring, focusing on Christ’s power demonstrated through Him when He walked among us on earth as well as through Him since His resurrection as it flows in and through us, His people. We, the listeners, were challenged to let God work His power through us to bring blessing to others who are impacted by the power God has given us in this life – posing the question, “Who flourishes because I have power?”

Earlier in the day I was listening to a different broadcast about the power and influence of intentionally harmful words. This broadcast centered more on the choices we have to respond to hurtful words – do we surrender to the harmful words, choosing to absorb them or let them injure us deeply, or do we choosing to retaliate with hurtful words of our own, or do we let God transform our lives by responding in kindness, choosing to see ourselves through the lens of what God says about us instead of what other people say.

These two broadcasts have blended to stir within me/us a deep desire to bless others with my/our written words. I don’t want to do harm to anyone, even those who have intentionally harmed me. I want to write in such a way that people honor God’s work in my life. We have fallen prey to intentionally harmful words and actions that have wounded us deeply. We want to speak to that with honesty and integrity, not seeking to receive righteous indignation from some who would take up my cause to defend me/us, or to bring harsh antagonism or criticism to those who have harmed me/us; but rather to speak healing into the hearts of readers who have also been deeply wounded by the words or actions of others.

My daily devotions focussed on the topic of Christians needing to ask of God what we desire. We are encouraged to ask God for wisdom as well as other things according to His will, believing that He will answer our prayers and give us the desires of our hearts. I am praying and asking that God will empower me/us to write words that will be a soothing balm on the wounds of hurtful words in injured hearts. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Checking In

Posted on February 13, 2014 by

Time has lapsed again since my last post. I haven’t been working on much lately except knitting, and I managed to log myself off this site for a while. I’m back but don’t have much to say.

I’m not Abigail. I’m actually one of a larger group, but lately I’ve felt pretty alone and depressed. We had to do a med change due to harmful side effects, and the new medication isn’t helping very much, at least not yet. It may be weeks before I feel the benefit. One thing is for sure, we still need the help of the medication and we are missing it sorely.

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Infancy and Early Childhood Memories

Posted on January 14, 2014 by

It’s a logical question to ask. How can anyone believe that they can recall events and experiences that happened during their infancy and early childhood days? Most people can recall a handful of memories that predate their classroom experiences, if any at all; so the idea that someone can remember accurate details from their infancy seems bizarre. In my case, however, I have very distinct memories of trauma that my father has confirmed through his own memories and also through a prayer diary he has kept his whole adult life. He tells me that when I talk about those memories I am describing the people involved and the places where the traumas took place exactly. There are some memories from early infancy that my father can’t confirm; but based on the accuracy of the ones he can confirm, I believe those memories to be accurate also.

The theory of the psychiatrist who first diagnosed my DID (which I also adhere to) is that I dissociated those experiences and a separate personality who is the same chronological age as I was at the time of the trauma holds the memories. Since those personalities have not stayed close to consciousness for much of my growing years and adult life, they haven’t had the opportunity to experience other memories that would dominate conscious awareness, moving the traumas from early life farther and farther from conscious recall. It’s only a theory, but it seems quite logical to us and we have embraced this concept as a valid understanding of how & why we have some extremely vivid memories from our infancy and early childhood.

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Who Is Writing These Posts Anyway?

Posted on January 14, 2014 by

Even though the tag name is frequently Abigail, she is rarely the actual personality who is posting. I, like many others in my system, prefer not to think of self as separate from the host personality. I know that I’m not her. In fact, chances are she doesn’t even hear me or know of me personally. The core of the prevalent reason so many of us choose to remain anonymous comes from a very traumatic experience when we were treated abusively by someone who believed we were all demons except the birth personality. There is no chance of that happening again; but especially with the growing prejudice against the DID diagnosis, we don’t feel safe being identified by our own names. We don’t do it to cause confusion. We just would rather be anonymous than vulnerable. Sometimes it creates confusion in therapy sessions; but all of the professionals we work with are very supportive of whoever is out, even when that person doesn’t want to be identified by a name.

Maybe we will be willing to separate out our posts according to who is out and doing the posting some time in the future. We set this blog up originally so that we could do that.
For now, though, we will stick to the way we have been posting for over a year now – just making personal comments by whoever is out at the time of the post, and doing it under the sign-in name of Abigail.

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Hard Times for DID

Posted on January 9, 2014 by

I know this isn’t a news flash for anyone knowledgeable about DID, but I am impressed again on how disheartening it is. A decade ago (or more) a person with this condition could reasonably expect to encounter professionals who knew about this disorder and could offer encouragement and help to deal with it and heal. Now professionals who make this diagnosis are frowned upon by their peers. It’s no longer looked upon by many as a legitimate diagnosis. I believe the reasons are predominantly economical and unethical behavior by some scrupulous professionals who could use some education in humility. Insurance companies don’t want to pay for the special therapies that are often helpful for DIDs, and the frequent hospitalization that can last for months at a time early in the diagnostic process are also very expensive. I have been blessed to have the help and support of some very ethical professionals; but I have also encountered some real egomaniacs who thrive on being thought of as the goto person when it comes to a new diagnosis, which DID was in the 80s and 90s. These unethical professionals formed their own ideas of what the best treatment for DID was and had no respect or tolerance for anyone seeing things differently than themselves.

We work with two therapists and a psychiatrist who understand and accept our diagnosis of DID. However, they have added other diagnoses so the insurance company will pay for my therapies (although one of them we pay for out-of-pocket). Isn’t it bazaar that a diagnosis of PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder), which falls lower on the dissociative scale that DID, is covered for treatment when DID is not? Even though the treatment is the same, the more severe case is no longer covered but the lesser one is.

Well, I will get off my high horse now, and stop being so negative. It just makes me more determined to do the only thing I can to encourage and support the diagnosis and treatment of DID – to write and publish this book. I’ll be honest with you, though. It would sure do my heart good to hear from others who agree with me and are willing to offer supportive words.

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