The Many Of Me

I’m going thru Daily Light Journal devotional again, by Anne Graham Lotz, and today’s devotion spoke directly to the topic of my intended goal to finish writing the book this year; so I wanted to share it here. As is true of all Scripture, the Holy Spirit speaks to the heart and applies it to our daily living and our need for personal application as we read the passages. I hope and pray that He will speak to your hearts so you can apply it to your lives as you read.

Let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us. * “Your beauty, … was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed upon you,”says the Lord God. * We all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. * The Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. When you eat the labor of your hands, you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you. * Commit your works to the LORD, and your thoughts will be established.
Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. * Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace, comfort your hearts and establish you in every good word and work.

Psalms 90: 17; Ezekiel 16:14; 2 Corinthians 3:18; 1 Peter 4:14; Psalms 128:1-2; Proverbs 16:3; Philippians 2: 12-13; 2 Thessalonian 2:16-17

It is our prayer that the work we do this year on the book and the words that we choose to express our thoughts be established by the Lord God to His glory and honor. Amen.

2014 has begun and with it a new opportunity for fresh starts. I have several goals for the new year. We don’t know what the new year will hold for any of us, so plans are flexible by necessity; but we will set our goals and work towards their completion.

We are hoping to complete the writing of our book by the end of the year. We have no idea how realistic that goal is. If Beloved is able to complete a project he is working on and gets paid for all his extensive work he has already put into it, there should be resources to finance publishing it; or at least to get a new computer which might help me get the book finished by the goal date.

I have a children’s book written which I hope to get published by spring, so the income from that might help towards publishing of this book. Time will tell, I guess.

You may be wondering who is writing this for you all. It’s a puzzle I am trying to piece together myself. I know who I am; but it has been a very long time since I have been out. When I was out previously I experienced the loss of time very differently than this time. Before it was as if I went to sleep one night and woke up much later – except for not having a clue about what happened while I was away, I adjusted to the new routine and living space and carried on. This time I actually feel the time loss. It seems like a very long time transpired for me as well as whoever else was out in the interim. I literally can’t remember the name I chose for myself the last time I was out. I remember the events that happened the last time I was out and the things that happened while I was in are unfamiliar to me – that much is “normal” for a person with DID; but I feel older. In fact I feel much older.

I’m afraid if I try to clarify anymore I will just make you as confused as I am. It’s just too hard to explain the difference in the way I am experiencing the time loss. I wonder if the change is due to advancement towards integration that others made while they were out. It’s just a guess, but maybe a good one.

Anyway, one of the goals I have is to keep more up-to-date with making posts on the site. As always, we welcome comments and thoughts from those who read this blog. Hoping the advancing year will bring many blessings to you and yours.

In the hustle and bustle of preparing for this special time of year, it’s pressing in on me/us to pause and reflect on the impact the reason for the season has had on us. He has touched us in big and small ways- ranging from the incomprehensible gift of God’s Son coming to rescue the human race, even including me/us, all the way down to His watch care over the details of my/our daily needs and concerns. Just a year ago we were entrenched in the deep pit of despair and depression. We were incapable of doing even the basic daily tasks of living; yet here we are a year later engaged in the preparations to celebrate the coming of our Savior to earth to be our Rescuer. What an amazing God we serve and celebrate!!

Before Thanksgiving we were deeply involved in writing for the Book we plan to have published; and following Christmas we plan to pick up where we left off. Right now our hands are very full preparing to celebrate with our family and friends. It is our sincere hope that you all are also making plans and preparations for this special time of year; and we hope that you will take the time to reflect on how much God has done for you as well.

A window of opportunity used to be a catch phrase referring to doing something that will meet with success during a certain time frame when it wouldn’t meet with success if done before or after that time frame. I think of my diagnosis and treatment for DID in terms of a window of opportunity. My heart aches for all the people who spent years institutionalized before the diagnosis of MPD/DID was recognized as a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis; and the many who are now receiving other wrong or incomplete diagnosis and treatment, all because some unethical people value money more than truth or people.

It makes me feel all the more intense about my mission to write the book I am working on. I get discouraged at times, wondering whether or not I will ever complete it, especially during the fall and winter months when I struggle so hard with depression. The past couple weeks have been especially challenging, due to a severe head cold and then several gray days in succession. I sit in front of the computer or lay in bed contemplating what I need to write, stumbling over thoughts and words that refuse to come in coherent order.

Then I hear something on the radio or read a passage of Scripture that infuses me with renewed determination and inspiration to carry on in my efforts. That’s just what happened yesterday when I heard an interview of a well-known author. He said it took him 7 years to complete his first book, and that he had received more than 300 rejections for things he had written. The interview sparked new life and determination into my heart; and so here I am again, typing away at the computer.

I appreciate so much all the prayers on my behalf. I know each one if being heard and answered. I believe God is the instigator of my determination to persist in my efforts to complete this overwhelming task, and so by His grace I shall persevere.

Today I attended my first counseling appointment with the EMDR therapist. He patiently taught me all about it, how it stimulates both sides of the brain alternately to process past emotions, and it can be done with tappers (little electrodes that vibrate in each hand alternately), or eye movements (I focus on something in his hand as he moves it from side to side), or auditory (I think he said he uses headphones or something like that, so the sound goes in one ear and then in the other back and forth). I also learned about another technique which I can’t remember what it’s called right now. He had it printed out on a card which is still out in the car. I’ll get it in the a.m. or maybe later tonight. Anyway, it starts out tapping the side of your own hand (with your other hand) and saying, “even though I feel (fill in the blank), I completely accept myself as I am (or if that doesn’t feel honest or true, then substitute “Jesus accepts me just as I am), and then you repeat the phrase about how you are feeling while tapping various other places on your body. At the end of the tapping you take a deep breath and let it out and assess how you are feeling/what you are thinking after going through the tapping series. So, in other words, you might start out saying, “Even though I feel overwhelmed right now, I completely accept myself. I’m feeling overwhelmed (tapping in new place), I’m feeling overwhelmed. (new place) my feelings are too intense right now for me to sort out. (tap, tap, tap, tap.) all the way through each place on the body that the tapping is done. Then a deep breath and assessment. I might notice that while I was tapping a new thought or feeling (which could be emotional or physical) comes to my awareness; so I start over inserting the new thought or feeling while going through the whole tapping routine again. You keep doing this until you reach a calm. I learned that others of me have been using these techniques with a lot of success, and I can do the second one at home or wherever I happen to be when I feel the need to sort my thoughts and feelings out. We did the EMDR using the tappers to process a memory which he had heard about in a more general sense by other personalities, but I was the first one to talk about the details. I was kind of surprised about that. It was a very significant thing that happened during the first year of my first marriage. The EMDR pulled out some real intense feelings that I’ve been struggling with recently because I’ve been writing about it for the book. I think it was helpful and healing to do it. Then we used the other technique to process some confusing feelings I have towards my dad stemming from that same time period. I think it was helpful, too.

The rest of the day was full. I spent some time on the phone with one daughter and also with one brother. I also spent some time visiting another daughter and some of our grandchildren. It was late by the time I got home, so it’s just been a short time that I’ve been able to reflect back to the session with the therapist and all that I learned/did this a.m. Guess it’s time to go find that card in the car and do some more tapping.

I almost hate to even write this post – it makes it more tangible and real; but the dire warnings have come repeatedly for the past week or so and I have to put it down. I fear that a tragedy is about to happen to my Beloved. I would be so lost if anything terrible happened to him. He does our finances, he sets up all my medications (and there are many – it takes him hours every two weeks just to fill the separate boxes), he’s extremely knowledgeable and skilled with the computers, and those are just the very practical ways I am dependent on him. Emotionally I don’t know how I could face a day without him. He is my soul mate, and dearest companion. My heart literally aches at the thought of losing him. My heart cries out to God in agonizing pleading. I feel like the disciples when Jesus was saying He was about to be crucified. “NO LORD!!! THIS CAN’T BE!!!

I try to calm my fears and reassure myself that it might not come to fruition. Maybe it’s just a wake-up call to get me to be less dependent in the details of daily living. The fact is, I don’t really know what or when something will happen. Of course, we all could die at any time, and it is prudent and wise to have preparations made in advance. I have been procrastinating about talking to him about this for days now. Every day I think, “This is not a good time to bring it up.” but the pressure is building inside. He is napping now; but I am thinking that I will need to at least bring it up enough to get it onto his radar that we need a heavy discussion soon. God help us.