There were times when I was early in recovery from codependency that I asked the question in therapy groups, “Do I have some kind of invisible neon sign over my head that only perpetrators can see that says, ‘easy target’ or something?” How do perpetrators know who they can hurt and who will send them on their way with a boot in their behind?
written by Plex
It’s now quite that obvious, but we do in fact signal them. Perpetrators pick up on body language and verbal ques that tell them this is a person who is a defeated foe before there is even an attack. In conversation victims often blames themselves for things outside of their sphere of influence. They may keep their eyes downcast and overt any eye contact. Their shoulders may be slumped inward. Their clothes can also be an indication of how they feel about themselves which can be a clue as to whether or not they will accept passively an assault against them.
These are all things that need to change for a person to break free of the cycle of abuse. If you don’t have any of these tendencies, you may think they wouldn’t be too hard to change; but that would be a wrong assumption. Learning to make and keep eye contact can be a huge victory when everything inside of you makes you automatically do the opposite. Clothing changes can include changing the size, fit, colors, styles, and combinations. Figuring out what colors make you shine with confidence, what colors, size, and styles naturally enhance your appearance, and then becoming comfortable in them can be a daunting task. Hair styles can make a significant difference in how you feel about yourself; but finding a new hair style that exudes self-assurance and then getting comfortable with it can also be a significant challenge.
These are just a few examples of non-verbals that a perpetrator “reads” when choosing a victim. When the perpetrator is someone in the family of the victim, other family relationships and dynamics can also play a significant part in choosing a victim. Re thinking and re learning these and other non-verbals can go a long way towards avoiding future attacks or unhealthy relationships, but it will take a lot of time, effort, and intentionality to accomplish it.
I just have to say again how thankful I am for God’s guidance in our own process of healing that we have gone through. Much of what is in this post we have had to learn on our own – so far as we know it isn’t written in any self-help books for victimization recovery. Our hope is that it will be useful to those who are on their own journey toward healthy thinking, or possibly those who are endeavoring to help others on their journeys.
